At this point in the Korean journey I'm not feeling it. It seems like so many of my friends are good to go here...but I'm not. I don't love Korea or it's culture. I do love my students and that's about all I can say. The sad thing is, I don't even really want to teach my students, I want to invest in their lives. I want to be able to communicate with them and pray with them. My heart longs to do ministry. I want to reach out and make an impact of the soul.
I don't know if I'm cut out to be a teacher or not. Every job I've had lacks for me...I want to be passionate about my job and I'm passionate about digging into kids' lives. Teaching is so limited in that arena. I don't think I'd mind being here as much if I were getting to do what I love!
On the up side of things, my heart is just bathing in the glory of the Lord. He is really entering my life daily in a very real way. It's precious! And steadily I'm beginning to believe that He really will grant me the desires of my heart. I haven't believed that in a long while...nor have I thought I really deserved them. I want a husband and children...I want a family of my own. It's a deep desire that's not going away. God has refined my desires into new determination to truly find a man who is outwardly and inwardly affectionate for the eternal! No more lowering standards or allowing loneliness to take the lead.
Alright, that's all for now. I like having a blog to share my heart and not having to worry about bringing anyone down. It's refreshing!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Renewed beating of the heart
I am not quite sure why I required such drastic measures to be reminded that the Lord of all Creation loves me to my very core, beyond all screw ups, despite all circumstances. But, moving me across the world far from anything familiar, away from all my securities changed everything.
All the sudden I am a minority...every where I go I am stared at and sometimes nearly snarled at. I am an illiterate, which is a very frightening thing. The closest English speaker is 45 minutes away. It's just me and Him. No one else. Nothing else. He had to remove me from everything to help me wipe my slate clean.
After a long few years of running and then not really believing there was forgiveness for me, He brought me to a place where I could allow Him to break down those walls in my heart. I don't think I could fully see that that was the problem. I knew in my head he forgave me...that my sin was far as the East is from the West and that He never once stopped loving me...but my heart never believed it. How could I break every sin short of murder, after knowing full well the consequences that could ensue? I was embarrassed, ashamed. Satan robbed me of self-worth, convinced me that no one would love me after my mistakes, that I may as well be tossed aside.
But here, where it's just me and God, He breathed life into me again. He dug deep and cleaned me out...let me be a new creation. He showed me how to let go, to stop believing the lies. He showed truth and helped me give up worrying. He gave me this...
"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." -Ephesians 1:4
He doesn't see fault, he sees holiness. He feels love and he has since before the world was created...for me. I really believe it now. I've stopped beating myself up over the ways I let him down and instead let him form me into what he wants for me. I am glad for this precious time, though it is still tough, I know it is Father/daughter time and I do not want to take it for granted.
All the sudden I am a minority...every where I go I am stared at and sometimes nearly snarled at. I am an illiterate, which is a very frightening thing. The closest English speaker is 45 minutes away. It's just me and Him. No one else. Nothing else. He had to remove me from everything to help me wipe my slate clean.
After a long few years of running and then not really believing there was forgiveness for me, He brought me to a place where I could allow Him to break down those walls in my heart. I don't think I could fully see that that was the problem. I knew in my head he forgave me...that my sin was far as the East is from the West and that He never once stopped loving me...but my heart never believed it. How could I break every sin short of murder, after knowing full well the consequences that could ensue? I was embarrassed, ashamed. Satan robbed me of self-worth, convinced me that no one would love me after my mistakes, that I may as well be tossed aside.
But here, where it's just me and God, He breathed life into me again. He dug deep and cleaned me out...let me be a new creation. He showed me how to let go, to stop believing the lies. He showed truth and helped me give up worrying. He gave me this...
"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." -Ephesians 1:4
He doesn't see fault, he sees holiness. He feels love and he has since before the world was created...for me. I really believe it now. I've stopped beating myself up over the ways I let him down and instead let him form me into what he wants for me. I am glad for this precious time, though it is still tough, I know it is Father/daughter time and I do not want to take it for granted.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Hurting for Home
I know I've known loneliness before, but this is different. It's isolation. It's a test.
I know God gives us no more than we can handle. I know His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I know full well I am never alone. Why is it so hard to believe these things?
I wake every morning to a dull ache in my heart. I hurt for home. I yearn for people to love me and hold me and reassure me that everything will be okay.
This is so hard. I try to put a strong front on, but ohh...the weight of all this is so much!
Every day I end up enjoying something during the day, but the despair returns every morning.
This experience is different than almost all my friends international experience. I did not come with friends, or a significant other. I did not come with a support group. I do not have a roommate. I am not a university surrounded by people who know a little English. I don't even know another native English speaker that lives closer than 45 minutes.
I don't mean to have pity parties, but I do...often. I cry almost every time I finish talking to mom and dad. I even doubt that people I have met here even want to hang out with me.
Why is this so hard? Why has the Lord brought me here?
I reach the point every day where I've talked myself into moving back home.
I have always thought of myself as a strong individual...but I don't know how true that is anymore. If I were on vacation here, it wouldn't be a problem. But knowing I am here for a year is daunting. I have had every intention of going home for 2 weeks during my winter break but I am not sure I would have the strength to bring myself back here.
If you read this pray that I can hide myself in the Lord. I seem to be very bad about that. I know He wanted me here, but I didn't realize it would be such a test of faith. I need Him more than ever and yet I run so infrequently into His arms.
I need you, Lord, to be the strength of my heart. I have none. I must fully rely on you.
I know God gives us no more than we can handle. I know His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I know full well I am never alone. Why is it so hard to believe these things?
I wake every morning to a dull ache in my heart. I hurt for home. I yearn for people to love me and hold me and reassure me that everything will be okay.
This is so hard. I try to put a strong front on, but ohh...the weight of all this is so much!
Every day I end up enjoying something during the day, but the despair returns every morning.
This experience is different than almost all my friends international experience. I did not come with friends, or a significant other. I did not come with a support group. I do not have a roommate. I am not a university surrounded by people who know a little English. I don't even know another native English speaker that lives closer than 45 minutes.
I don't mean to have pity parties, but I do...often. I cry almost every time I finish talking to mom and dad. I even doubt that people I have met here even want to hang out with me.
Why is this so hard? Why has the Lord brought me here?
I reach the point every day where I've talked myself into moving back home.
I have always thought of myself as a strong individual...but I don't know how true that is anymore. If I were on vacation here, it wouldn't be a problem. But knowing I am here for a year is daunting. I have had every intention of going home for 2 weeks during my winter break but I am not sure I would have the strength to bring myself back here.
If you read this pray that I can hide myself in the Lord. I seem to be very bad about that. I know He wanted me here, but I didn't realize it would be such a test of faith. I need Him more than ever and yet I run so infrequently into His arms.
I need you, Lord, to be the strength of my heart. I have none. I must fully rely on you.
Friday, September 4, 2009
The truth of the matter
Mostly everything in me wants to pack up and go home at this point.
My head swims every day with a language I don't know and my self-consciousness is in overdrive from the glares and stares of every day life. I am the minority. I don't fit it here. Every where I go I am an object of attention. Some people are crazy nice...I have gotten so many "you are very beautiful" or "you look like a celebrity" comments, but still they don't sink in. I know I'm just something different to them and they have limited English knowledge...haha!
This is a strange place...different sites, smells, culture. They don't say anything when you sneeze. They eat soup, rice, and kimchi with every meal. They don't respond to hand waves but to head bows. The streets stink of foul smells and all the women wear hiiiiigh heels. I miss clean, crisp air and trees and southern hospitality.
When I talk to people who encourage me I am near tears. I miss people. I am an hour from anyone I am friends with here. I miss hugs and deep conversations. I miss my family and my dog and hanging out. I even miss driving and having easy transport of items.
This is where God has called me. He made it so obvious. I know all my friends who have been missionaries have said, "your call is the only thing that keeps you there" and now I believe it whole heartedly. My whole body aches for home. But deep in my spirit I know the God of peace and purpose has prepared a life for me here. I am here because He wants me here. No longer for selfish reasons...I'm here to honor Him. If I can keep that in mind...remember I am ultimately here to shine my light, my spirit will settle in to this place that is so foreign to me. I am home.
My head swims every day with a language I don't know and my self-consciousness is in overdrive from the glares and stares of every day life. I am the minority. I don't fit it here. Every where I go I am an object of attention. Some people are crazy nice...I have gotten so many "you are very beautiful" or "you look like a celebrity" comments, but still they don't sink in. I know I'm just something different to them and they have limited English knowledge...haha!
This is a strange place...different sites, smells, culture. They don't say anything when you sneeze. They eat soup, rice, and kimchi with every meal. They don't respond to hand waves but to head bows. The streets stink of foul smells and all the women wear hiiiiigh heels. I miss clean, crisp air and trees and southern hospitality.
When I talk to people who encourage me I am near tears. I miss people. I am an hour from anyone I am friends with here. I miss hugs and deep conversations. I miss my family and my dog and hanging out. I even miss driving and having easy transport of items.
This is where God has called me. He made it so obvious. I know all my friends who have been missionaries have said, "your call is the only thing that keeps you there" and now I believe it whole heartedly. My whole body aches for home. But deep in my spirit I know the God of peace and purpose has prepared a life for me here. I am here because He wants me here. No longer for selfish reasons...I'm here to honor Him. If I can keep that in mind...remember I am ultimately here to shine my light, my spirit will settle in to this place that is so foreign to me. I am home.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Undeserved love, love, love
Tonight I met up with an old friend. I have seen her grow up. I've gotten to go beyond pouring into her life as a 7th grade girl...we became sisters, equals, and somewhere along the way she began to pour into my life. As I waited for her to come back from the potty I realized every step of my life as a young adult and now adult life has been laced with women who LOVE me...really, really love me! Women who have seen my natural joyful side and then have seen my fallen, depraved, very human side. They have seen me mess up several times, seen the consequences of my actions, seen my pain, heartache, lack of will to live AND STILL LOVED ME! They have shown me time and time again that they will not give up on me, they won't leave me, they won't grow tired of me. They love beyond understanding, beyond reason, beyond comprehension...they love me like Christ does.
Honestly, I have yet to meet a man who has shown me this. Maybe it's because women understand. We all have similar needs, desires, struggles. We all think we are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, together enough...we never fit our own ideas of perfection. There are some who give up...they don't want to run the race along a fallen sister, but there are those who always have persevered along side of me. I do not deserve this. I have done nothing to warrant such sweet companionship. But they have chosen to be there, to show up, to cry and laugh and fight and pray regardless of my attitude or nasty disposition. Because of these women, I am able to love others. Because of them I have gotten a very real picture of Christ's love for me...of His Kingdom, His mercy. There are too many to even tag...I mean really, how do I deserve all that? But I will always be forever grateful!!! They are the ones who help me cope with being single, with gaining weight, with tattered pieces of a broken heart.
I love you sweet sisters, from the bottom of my heart. I hope you know who you are and I pray you are paid back in full for the love you have shown me...a broken soul, trying to live the life God has for me!
Honestly, I have yet to meet a man who has shown me this. Maybe it's because women understand. We all have similar needs, desires, struggles. We all think we are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, together enough...we never fit our own ideas of perfection. There are some who give up...they don't want to run the race along a fallen sister, but there are those who always have persevered along side of me. I do not deserve this. I have done nothing to warrant such sweet companionship. But they have chosen to be there, to show up, to cry and laugh and fight and pray regardless of my attitude or nasty disposition. Because of these women, I am able to love others. Because of them I have gotten a very real picture of Christ's love for me...of His Kingdom, His mercy. There are too many to even tag...I mean really, how do I deserve all that? But I will always be forever grateful!!! They are the ones who help me cope with being single, with gaining weight, with tattered pieces of a broken heart.
I love you sweet sisters, from the bottom of my heart. I hope you know who you are and I pray you are paid back in full for the love you have shown me...a broken soul, trying to live the life God has for me!
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