I could not find someone to do anything with Saturday and it was a bit depressing. I was really bummed that I don't have many friends that include me in things here. I always have to go find plans but if everyone is busy I'm out of luck. *Side note: I have two solid sisters here that are very precious to my heart that include me, but this night they had plans. This is a first in my life. I've always had many friends to do things with and usually a person that I am attached at the hip with. I know this is a time in my life where I need more solitude and I'm pretty sure this is my Father God desperately trying to get my attention...but in that moment I wanted a person. I kept thinking if I had a spouse I'd always have someone to eat dinner with or just sit around and watch a movie. I cried and was okay again.
Sunday morning on the subway en route to try a new church a Korean guy asks if he could sit by me and talk to me. Sure! We talk until my stop and he asks if he can take me out on a date. Huh, that was quick! He asks me to not get a boyfriend until we can go out. I'm sure that won't be a problem since I've never been a male magnet.
Late last night I got a message from him and the next morning a call. We chat and it becomes blindingly obvious he does not share the same religious convictions that I do.
I'm 27, going on 28. I'm not messing around anymore. My self control is not up to par when the other party doesn't believe there's a need for the self control. I wallow in regret. Suffer as my heart is broken again over someone I talked myself into being a fit person to date. I know if they are for me...if they are for me there is passion oozing for the Lord Jesus Christ. I don't have to try to stand alone in my beliefs and I can be more in love with the Father because of the the other person. But for some reason I keep feeling like their are traps all over the place for me.
Really cute, nice, kind guys are bubbling up but they don't love Jesus like I do. It's hard to say no and seems so radically unfair that they can have so much of what I want but not the most important thing. I desire so much to have an earthly companion, but I can't let myself bend on this...I know what happens when I do and it's tragically painful in the end. There are scoffers that will say I'm being too picky, but to me this is the only part that is nonnegotiable.
I stomp around and cry and whine to God about how unfair this is. Why send me men that won't do? I am often fine being single until someone comes along like this. Then I become this pouting child screaming, "You're so unfair!!!" to the heavens. I know there is reason, perseverance being built maybe? I know it's surface level injustice too...nothing major and really I know I'm not being punished and God is not being cruel.
So as a sort of fight anthem I sing an Avril song, but turn it into God singing it over me...yeah, maybe a bit corny, but I think He would sing it over me and it's true for Him and I!!!
You're not alone, together we'll stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold, and it feels like the end
There's no place to go, you know I won't give in
Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it though
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
