Let's be honest, shall we?

I'm frustrated.  I always come here to write when I'm all kinds of emotional.  Sorry about that.  But this is my venting the raw and real place.

I'm embarking upon my 32nd year.  Really, I just never, ever, ever thought I'd still be single by this point.  I've stopped listening to anyone attempting to be understanding unless they are the same age or older and still single.  I listen to the woes of mothers and hear them talking about wishing they could just get a job to escape for awhile and being envious that that could actually be an option, while being a mother is not an option for me.  I really wonder how the heck I will ever find a spouse in Korea that loves Jesus a lot, a lot and feels led to be here also.  I mean, they're just so rare anywhere these days.  Not to mention, it would be nice if I were attracted to him and we had a few things in common, but I'll try not to be too picky.

I feel called to Korea, fulfilled here.  Yeah, it's uber hard a lot of days to deal with cultural differences and not be able to drive home if I miss my family or want to go to a friend's wedding.  It sucks living in a big city where I still don't know the language when I crave quiet and familiar.  I'm currently fighting my inner urge to freak out about quitting a contract job, adding a little black mark to my teaching reputation, being out of work and lodging, and attempting to find an actual good job that treats their teachers like human beings when the government is trying their darndest to get rid of the foreign presence here.  And then there are these regrets of quitting my last school with fairly good benefits...not seeing my babies that have my heart graduate, (a mistake I've now made at 2 schools!)  But there is still a certain underlying peace being in the place I feel God has led me.

I am so weak.  If I am real, it has been a good 2 months since I've really dug in and found a nitch in the presence of the Lord.  My job has stressed me out to no end.  I've just wanted to not think so I sleep as much as I can.  And then I hit a wall today.  I'm being a fraud.  On the outside I'm pretending all is mostly well and that I'm placing myself in God's care, but on the inside is this turmoil from all the outer world, but also from not seeking the one person who could help me, the Incarnate God.  He created me.  He knows my thoughts.  He knows all this mess that is waging war inside.  He's been here and is here...He just wants me to leap back in to His arms. 

I was standing at the sink washing literally every plate and utensil I own when this song came on...

You're my beloved, you're my bride.  To sing over you is my delight.  Come away with me, my love.
Under my mercy come and wait.  Till we are standing face to face.  I see no stain on you, my child.

You're beautiful to me.  So beautiful to me.

I sing over you my song of peace.  Cast all your cares down at my feet.  Come and find your rest in me.  I'll breathe my life inside of you.  I'll bear you up on eagles' wings and hide you in the shadow of my strength.  I'll take you to my quiet waters.  I'll restore your soul.  Come rest in me and be made whole.

And, well, I was restored back into the knowledge that all would be okay.  That my needs would be met and even that my Loving Father wanted to give me more blessings, good blessings, that I can't foresee.

The Single Woman...a threat?

Recently I've been milling over a topic that has bothered me for years, but as I get older and older and am still single, I wonder if things will ever change.  This particularly relates to my Christian circle of friends.

When I was in high school and college I had many close guy friends.   A select few I did everything with.  They were always dependable and always comfortable.  However, once they found the one they wanted to spend their lives with, I was no longer any part of their lives.  I get it...I don't want my one day (hopefully) husband hanging out with other girls.  I would never dream of asking any married guy to come hang out alone, ever.  I don't think it's okay.  But, I couldn't fathom that it would go so far as to not respond to a public facebook post, (not even a private message, just one in plain daylight for all to see). 

I tend to find that the men I was friends with, or even dated at one point, are fine with responding to their married female friends...as if they are safe.  I'm not asking to be BFFs, I just want a response now and then to know I'm still in the realm of friendship material.  So, if I never get married, does that mean I am always a threat?  I mean, honestly, I am friends with most of the wives.  I don't send private messages.  And I LIVE IN KOREA...way on the other side of the pond from all of them.  So, what is it about me?  Why does the friendship just basically stop completely?  Is it a trust agreement with the spouse?  Do they feel guilt about corresponding with a former female friend that is still single?  I don't get it, but it has hurt me in the past and at times still does.  So much so, I have purposely not gotten close to any guy friends in the past 6 or so years so it wouldn't happen again.  It is hard losing someone you care about and being ignored.

Can someone explain it to me?  Why is it so unhealthy to respond in a public way to a single girl that was once a close friend?  I'm just puzzled.

A Season of Mara

Today at church we started the journey of Ruth's life, and in her life a major person was the mother-in-law, Naomi.  I recalled right before church how I once worked at a Christian sports camp and the director called me Mara, which means bitter.  (I was bitter at the time because the job I was told I'd be working was completely different than the one I actually had and I wound up being a camp grunt basically.)  Anyways, during the sermon, my mind wondered onto a thought of Mara.  I'm pretty sure I'm in a season of Mara.  She was bitter and for good cause...her husband and her sons had been taken away.  My pastor, that I love dearly, touched on dear Mara for a bit and made the point that God is faithful despite our lack of faith, and that He really does want the best for us.  Then pastor went on to ask if we are full or empty.

Well, I'm not so full, that is for sure.  While I certainly love being near kids that I love 100%, I hardly ever get to see them now.  My job situation is just ridiculous and I honestly don't know that I'll have a job or a home in 2 weeks time...(yes, the job I just started 6 weeks ago.)  But most of all, the thing I want to do and be most is just not a possibility for me.  Most of the time I'm fine being single.  But my heart and soul aches to be a mom.  I got caught up yesterday reading an article about how having children past the age of 35 makes you an ASM (advanced stage mother) and increases your risk for miscarriage, and vast array of complications or disabilities.  God was quick to remind me of Sarah and how old she was when she got pregnant...she laughed at this proclamation that she would be with child even.  He is able to do anything.  But, it hurts after still.  It hurts being single year after year.  It sucks knowing my body isn't what it used to be in stature or stamina.  It is scary and tiring to tackle every new adventure and challenge and daily mundane task alone.  It utterly freaks me out when I hear percentages.  It's exhausting having to always figure it out by myself and provide for myself and do everything all on my own.  It crushes me just a bit every time I have to sit through hearing about one more marriage conference offered or one more sermon on the family.  I want to vomit every time someone says, "It will happen when you least expect it," or "God's just waiting for the perfect time for you."  Yeah, yeah.  Trust me, I don't expect it anymore and I certainly am well aware God's timing is perfect...I've seen it over and over again.  But man, God, can we speed it up...my eggs are getting older by the second!  I am 31 and I am a Mara.  And that Mara-ness, the bitterness, it's effecting my relationship with my Maker.

I don't want to be a Mara.  I don't want to wallow in bitterness.  But I know God is okay with me going through this.  He still wants me as His own.  He doesn't tire of me because I whine and question.  I push Him away, but He still gently reminds me He isn't going anywhere, that He's by my side, and that He doesn't like my hurt either.  So, I'm just going to rest for awhile, sitting next to my Creator, knowing He's here.  And I will keep trying to open up my hands and let go.