Hurting for Home

I know I've known loneliness before, but this is different. It's isolation. It's a test.

I know God gives us no more than we can handle. I know His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I know full well I am never alone. Why is it so hard to believe these things?

I wake every morning to a dull ache in my heart. I hurt for home. I yearn for people to love me and hold me and reassure me that everything will be okay.

This is so hard. I try to put a strong front on, but ohh...the weight of all this is so much!

Every day I end up enjoying something during the day, but the despair returns every morning.

This experience is different than almost all my friends international experience. I did not come with friends, or a significant other. I did not come with a support group. I do not have a roommate. I am not a university surrounded by people who know a little English. I don't even know another native English speaker that lives closer than 45 minutes.

I don't mean to have pity parties, but I do...often. I cry almost every time I finish talking to mom and dad. I even doubt that people I have met here even want to hang out with me.

Why is this so hard? Why has the Lord brought me here?

I reach the point every day where I've talked myself into moving back home.

I have always thought of myself as a strong individual...but I don't know how true that is anymore. If I were on vacation here, it wouldn't be a problem. But knowing I am here for a year is daunting. I have had every intention of going home for 2 weeks during my winter break but I am not sure I would have the strength to bring myself back here.

If you read this pray that I can hide myself in the Lord. I seem to be very bad about that. I know He wanted me here, but I didn't realize it would be such a test of faith. I need Him more than ever and yet I run so infrequently into His arms.

I need you, Lord, to be the strength of my heart. I have none. I must fully rely on you.