At this point in the Korean journey I'm not feeling it. It seems like so many of my friends are good to go here...but I'm not. I don't love Korea or it's culture. I do love my students and that's about all I can say. The sad thing is, I don't even really want to teach my students, I want to invest in their lives. I want to be able to communicate with them and pray with them. My heart longs to do ministry. I want to reach out and make an impact of the soul.
I don't know if I'm cut out to be a teacher or not. Every job I've had lacks for me...I want to be passionate about my job and I'm passionate about digging into kids' lives. Teaching is so limited in that arena. I don't think I'd mind being here as much if I were getting to do what I love!
On the up side of things, my heart is just bathing in the glory of the Lord. He is really entering my life daily in a very real way. It's precious! And steadily I'm beginning to believe that He really will grant me the desires of my heart. I haven't believed that in a long while...nor have I thought I really deserved them. I want a husband and children...I want a family of my own. It's a deep desire that's not going away. God has refined my desires into new determination to truly find a man who is outwardly and inwardly affectionate for the eternal! No more lowering standards or allowing loneliness to take the lead.
Alright, that's all for now. I like having a blog to share my heart and not having to worry about bringing anyone down. It's refreshing!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Renewed beating of the heart
I am not quite sure why I required such drastic measures to be reminded that the Lord of all Creation loves me to my very core, beyond all screw ups, despite all circumstances. But, moving me across the world far from anything familiar, away from all my securities changed everything.
All the sudden I am a minority...every where I go I am stared at and sometimes nearly snarled at. I am an illiterate, which is a very frightening thing. The closest English speaker is 45 minutes away. It's just me and Him. No one else. Nothing else. He had to remove me from everything to help me wipe my slate clean.
After a long few years of running and then not really believing there was forgiveness for me, He brought me to a place where I could allow Him to break down those walls in my heart. I don't think I could fully see that that was the problem. I knew in my head he forgave me...that my sin was far as the East is from the West and that He never once stopped loving me...but my heart never believed it. How could I break every sin short of murder, after knowing full well the consequences that could ensue? I was embarrassed, ashamed. Satan robbed me of self-worth, convinced me that no one would love me after my mistakes, that I may as well be tossed aside.
But here, where it's just me and God, He breathed life into me again. He dug deep and cleaned me out...let me be a new creation. He showed me how to let go, to stop believing the lies. He showed truth and helped me give up worrying. He gave me this...
"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." -Ephesians 1:4
He doesn't see fault, he sees holiness. He feels love and he has since before the world was created...for me. I really believe it now. I've stopped beating myself up over the ways I let him down and instead let him form me into what he wants for me. I am glad for this precious time, though it is still tough, I know it is Father/daughter time and I do not want to take it for granted.
All the sudden I am a minority...every where I go I am stared at and sometimes nearly snarled at. I am an illiterate, which is a very frightening thing. The closest English speaker is 45 minutes away. It's just me and Him. No one else. Nothing else. He had to remove me from everything to help me wipe my slate clean.
After a long few years of running and then not really believing there was forgiveness for me, He brought me to a place where I could allow Him to break down those walls in my heart. I don't think I could fully see that that was the problem. I knew in my head he forgave me...that my sin was far as the East is from the West and that He never once stopped loving me...but my heart never believed it. How could I break every sin short of murder, after knowing full well the consequences that could ensue? I was embarrassed, ashamed. Satan robbed me of self-worth, convinced me that no one would love me after my mistakes, that I may as well be tossed aside.
But here, where it's just me and God, He breathed life into me again. He dug deep and cleaned me out...let me be a new creation. He showed me how to let go, to stop believing the lies. He showed truth and helped me give up worrying. He gave me this...
"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." -Ephesians 1:4
He doesn't see fault, he sees holiness. He feels love and he has since before the world was created...for me. I really believe it now. I've stopped beating myself up over the ways I let him down and instead let him form me into what he wants for me. I am glad for this precious time, though it is still tough, I know it is Father/daughter time and I do not want to take it for granted.
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