Let's be honest, shall we?

I'm frustrated.  I always come here to write when I'm all kinds of emotional.  Sorry about that.  But this is my venting the raw and real place.

I'm embarking upon my 32nd year.  Really, I just never, ever, ever thought I'd still be single by this point.  I've stopped listening to anyone attempting to be understanding unless they are the same age or older and still single.  I listen to the woes of mothers and hear them talking about wishing they could just get a job to escape for awhile and being envious that that could actually be an option, while being a mother is not an option for me.  I really wonder how the heck I will ever find a spouse in Korea that loves Jesus a lot, a lot and feels led to be here also.  I mean, they're just so rare anywhere these days.  Not to mention, it would be nice if I were attracted to him and we had a few things in common, but I'll try not to be too picky.

I feel called to Korea, fulfilled here.  Yeah, it's uber hard a lot of days to deal with cultural differences and not be able to drive home if I miss my family or want to go to a friend's wedding.  It sucks living in a big city where I still don't know the language when I crave quiet and familiar.  I'm currently fighting my inner urge to freak out about quitting a contract job, adding a little black mark to my teaching reputation, being out of work and lodging, and attempting to find an actual good job that treats their teachers like human beings when the government is trying their darndest to get rid of the foreign presence here.  And then there are these regrets of quitting my last school with fairly good benefits...not seeing my babies that have my heart graduate, (a mistake I've now made at 2 schools!)  But there is still a certain underlying peace being in the place I feel God has led me.

I am so weak.  If I am real, it has been a good 2 months since I've really dug in and found a nitch in the presence of the Lord.  My job has stressed me out to no end.  I've just wanted to not think so I sleep as much as I can.  And then I hit a wall today.  I'm being a fraud.  On the outside I'm pretending all is mostly well and that I'm placing myself in God's care, but on the inside is this turmoil from all the outer world, but also from not seeking the one person who could help me, the Incarnate God.  He created me.  He knows my thoughts.  He knows all this mess that is waging war inside.  He's been here and is here...He just wants me to leap back in to His arms. 

I was standing at the sink washing literally every plate and utensil I own when this song came on...

You're my beloved, you're my bride.  To sing over you is my delight.  Come away with me, my love.
Under my mercy come and wait.  Till we are standing face to face.  I see no stain on you, my child.

You're beautiful to me.  So beautiful to me.

I sing over you my song of peace.  Cast all your cares down at my feet.  Come and find your rest in me.  I'll breathe my life inside of you.  I'll bear you up on eagles' wings and hide you in the shadow of my strength.  I'll take you to my quiet waters.  I'll restore your soul.  Come rest in me and be made whole.

And, well, I was restored back into the knowledge that all would be okay.  That my needs would be met and even that my Loving Father wanted to give me more blessings, good blessings, that I can't foresee.

The Single Woman...a threat?

Recently I've been milling over a topic that has bothered me for years, but as I get older and older and am still single, I wonder if things will ever change.  This particularly relates to my Christian circle of friends.

When I was in high school and college I had many close guy friends.   A select few I did everything with.  They were always dependable and always comfortable.  However, once they found the one they wanted to spend their lives with, I was no longer any part of their lives.  I get it...I don't want my one day (hopefully) husband hanging out with other girls.  I would never dream of asking any married guy to come hang out alone, ever.  I don't think it's okay.  But, I couldn't fathom that it would go so far as to not respond to a public facebook post, (not even a private message, just one in plain daylight for all to see). 

I tend to find that the men I was friends with, or even dated at one point, are fine with responding to their married female friends...as if they are safe.  I'm not asking to be BFFs, I just want a response now and then to know I'm still in the realm of friendship material.  So, if I never get married, does that mean I am always a threat?  I mean, honestly, I am friends with most of the wives.  I don't send private messages.  And I LIVE IN KOREA...way on the other side of the pond from all of them.  So, what is it about me?  Why does the friendship just basically stop completely?  Is it a trust agreement with the spouse?  Do they feel guilt about corresponding with a former female friend that is still single?  I don't get it, but it has hurt me in the past and at times still does.  So much so, I have purposely not gotten close to any guy friends in the past 6 or so years so it wouldn't happen again.  It is hard losing someone you care about and being ignored.

Can someone explain it to me?  Why is it so unhealthy to respond in a public way to a single girl that was once a close friend?  I'm just puzzled.

A Season of Mara

Today at church we started the journey of Ruth's life, and in her life a major person was the mother-in-law, Naomi.  I recalled right before church how I once worked at a Christian sports camp and the director called me Mara, which means bitter.  (I was bitter at the time because the job I was told I'd be working was completely different than the one I actually had and I wound up being a camp grunt basically.)  Anyways, during the sermon, my mind wondered onto a thought of Mara.  I'm pretty sure I'm in a season of Mara.  She was bitter and for good cause...her husband and her sons had been taken away.  My pastor, that I love dearly, touched on dear Mara for a bit and made the point that God is faithful despite our lack of faith, and that He really does want the best for us.  Then pastor went on to ask if we are full or empty.

Well, I'm not so full, that is for sure.  While I certainly love being near kids that I love 100%, I hardly ever get to see them now.  My job situation is just ridiculous and I honestly don't know that I'll have a job or a home in 2 weeks time...(yes, the job I just started 6 weeks ago.)  But most of all, the thing I want to do and be most is just not a possibility for me.  Most of the time I'm fine being single.  But my heart and soul aches to be a mom.  I got caught up yesterday reading an article about how having children past the age of 35 makes you an ASM (advanced stage mother) and increases your risk for miscarriage, and vast array of complications or disabilities.  God was quick to remind me of Sarah and how old she was when she got pregnant...she laughed at this proclamation that she would be with child even.  He is able to do anything.  But, it hurts after still.  It hurts being single year after year.  It sucks knowing my body isn't what it used to be in stature or stamina.  It is scary and tiring to tackle every new adventure and challenge and daily mundane task alone.  It utterly freaks me out when I hear percentages.  It's exhausting having to always figure it out by myself and provide for myself and do everything all on my own.  It crushes me just a bit every time I have to sit through hearing about one more marriage conference offered or one more sermon on the family.  I want to vomit every time someone says, "It will happen when you least expect it," or "God's just waiting for the perfect time for you."  Yeah, yeah.  Trust me, I don't expect it anymore and I certainly am well aware God's timing is perfect...I've seen it over and over again.  But man, God, can we speed it up...my eggs are getting older by the second!  I am 31 and I am a Mara.  And that Mara-ness, the bitterness, it's effecting my relationship with my Maker.

I don't want to be a Mara.  I don't want to wallow in bitterness.  But I know God is okay with me going through this.  He still wants me as His own.  He doesn't tire of me because I whine and question.  I push Him away, but He still gently reminds me He isn't going anywhere, that He's by my side, and that He doesn't like my hurt either.  So, I'm just going to rest for awhile, sitting next to my Creator, knowing He's here.  And I will keep trying to open up my hands and let go.

I think there's a good chance I may fall into that whole category that Christians like to say are, "hippie Christians."  But if that means that God's given me a heart to love people other Christians don't want to, not slander, not group judge, not use the Bible as a weapon to take people out with, I guess I am.  The whole Chic-fil-a discussion just hurts my heart.  I know a good portion of you will not agree with this posting and that's okay.  We're a family...we're bound to disagree.  I hate politics because I don't think God cares as much for it as He does for His creation.  I really think it's such a divisive weapon that Satan likes to wield around.  I always think that protests and signs and making a stink are just pushing people that need the Lord away.  I saw several postings about how attending the support Chic-fil-a day was a spiritual experience and how the Spirit of the Lord was there and I'm just not sure on that.  I don't really know that Christ would be in line for pinpointing one sin among many...all the while probably a good portion were committing other sins, especially gluttony. :)

I do believe homosexual relations are sinful.  But so are so many other things.  There's lists full of sins in the Bible.  God never once said that one was more sinful than the other.  Nor did He say we should turn away and bash people for those they are guilty of.  (Plus it's easy for many of us because we have so many secret sins that no one ever has to know about.)  I've heard people say that they believe sexual sins are of more importance to the Lord because they're mentioned more.  If that's the case, I'm among this lot.  I've screwed up before being married.  I've had lingering consequences.  I still mess up.  And I've done all this while knowing full well they were sinful.  But I'm forgiven.  Grace abounds.  It doesn't okay it, but it doesn't knock me out of the family of God.

I want you to imagine for a moment that you had homosexual feelings all your life.  Would you feel wanted, welcomed, valued, needed in the average church?  What if you replace that one sin you always struggle with, always fall into, with homosexual feelings...could you, would you, decide to grace the doors of a church?  I don't think I could.  I don't know how those that are believers and have these feelings are so strong to hold on to their faith.  I have multiple gay friends that are Christ followers and my heart just gets broken into a million pieces over how many on the church just harp upon how terrible it is. 

I have a lot of thoughts that probably go against the main thread of Christianity.  Maybe I'm a bleeding heart, and a liberal in this matter.  But I don't really know that Satan is the one that makes my heart bleed for people that need Jesus.  I pray daily that my life would be led by Jesus, that my heart would be guided by Jesus.  I'm an emotional person, very emotional.  I do study the Word of God though.  I pray I am led by the Spirit.  I may be wrong, but I just think that any action I perform to detract someone from believing in Christ is wrong.  Getting to know people, their lives, their hearts, earning their respect...it's all a door for open conversation where the other party will listen.  The Spirit softens hearts, but I do think that our actions can do the opposite and harden them. 

I know a big part of the Chic-fil-a thing was freedom of speech, a right to speak your mind without judgment.  Yet, when it comes down to it, I'd rather give up that right and win souls for the Lord than make a big stink that ultimately doesn't matter.

Just my two cents.  My heart breaks for people and how the church hurts those who don't know Him or who do but just feel ostracized.     

A Joyful New Year!

At the mark of a new year, my heart is filled to the brim with life. I have been feeling I've embarked upon a year of blessing and renewal. I have been given a new job that will allow me ample time to visit family and friends, (or have them come visit me!) Father God has opened so many ways to get plugged in and form community where I am. I have real family here that continually pours into me and shows me who I want to be.
Already, some of my weak areas have been exposed so that I have a clue where to walk. I'm seeing that in order to grow, I must be teachable. Being teachable means being humble enough to admit that I don't know it all and that other people, or God Himself, may actually know more than me. In my mind, I know this to be true, but I don't often let it penetrate within so that I can glean from the wisdom around me. I'm also being opened up to what true relationship and communion is, how it was designed by the Master Creator. Part of that ties into being teachable. Relationship is about being outward focused, and from others you gain as well. I'm beginning to crave that relationship with my Father again, (because honestly it's been missing for quite a while,) and my time with Him has been really...well, I can't even pinpoint an adjective to use right now, but let's just says GOOD!
The sweetest of all blessings has come in the form of a precious soul I love finding Truth. One of my closest K-babies, pictured with me above, is on the verge of busting into the mystery of Christ and I couldn't be more happy or anxious to welcome this sweet peanut into the family! Coming back to Korea was something so hard set into my heart that I couldn't deny or run away from the call. If the Father called me back just for this one lamb, I'm so glad He did! Of course I hope all the other little lambs I love so much will shortly follow. If you are reading this, please stop now and ask that the Lord would bring Yoon Seo to know the Him soon, that her father would come to know Him also (and not be angry Yoon Seo is seeking before the set age he told her she could be when she found her own faith), and a big praise for the work He's already done in her sister's life!
My joy abounds! My heart is so full that it's just taking me by surprise!! When we catch glimpses into the gloriousness of eternity, it sparks a fire in our hearts to get other people in on the riches. That's where I am now. I can't wait to see how Father keeps adding to the Kingdom. I want more brothers and sisters...I want all these precious little lives that I care so deeply for to dance for and exalt the King of Kings alongside me in heaven! God is definitely good all the time. He seeks us out, shows us His heart and we so easily get overwhelmed by scratching the surface of how wide and deep and great He really is!

Surface Injustice

Yesterday was Valentine's Day though it really wasn't a big deal here in Korea because one of their biggest holidays (Lunar New Year) happens to be the same day. I pretty much forgot about the love day, but the night before I had a massive moment of wishing I had someone.

I could not find someone to do anything with Saturday and it was a bit depressing. I was really bummed that I don't have many friends that include me in things here. I always have to go find plans but if everyone is busy I'm out of luck. *Side note: I have two solid sisters here that are very precious to my heart that include me, but this night they had plans. This is a first in my life. I've always had many friends to do things with and usually a person that I am attached at the hip with. I know this is a time in my life where I need more solitude and I'm pretty sure this is my Father God desperately trying to get my attention...but in that moment I wanted a person. I kept thinking if I had a spouse I'd always have someone to eat dinner with or just sit around and watch a movie. I cried and was okay again.

Sunday morning on the subway en route to try a new church a Korean guy asks if he could sit by me and talk to me. Sure! We talk until my stop and he asks if he can take me out on a date. Huh, that was quick! He asks me to not get a boyfriend until we can go out. I'm sure that won't be a problem since I've never been a male magnet.

Late last night I got a message from him and the next morning a call. We chat and it becomes blindingly obvious he does not share the same religious convictions that I do.

I'm 27, going on 28. I'm not messing around anymore. My self control is not up to par when the other party doesn't believe there's a need for the self control. I wallow in regret. Suffer as my heart is broken again over someone I talked myself into being a fit person to date. I know if they are for me...if they are for me there is passion oozing for the Lord Jesus Christ. I don't have to try to stand alone in my beliefs and I can be more in love with the Father because of the the other person. But for some reason I keep feeling like their are traps all over the place for me.

Really cute, nice, kind guys are bubbling up but they don't love Jesus like I do. It's hard to say no and seems so radically unfair that they can have so much of what I want but not the most important thing. I desire so much to have an earthly companion, but I can't let myself bend on this...I know what happens when I do and it's tragically painful in the end. There are scoffers that will say I'm being too picky, but to me this is the only part that is nonnegotiable.

I stomp around and cry and whine to God about how unfair this is. Why send me men that won't do? I am often fine being single until someone comes along like this. Then I become this pouting child screaming, "You're so unfair!!!" to the heavens. I know there is reason, perseverance being built maybe? I know it's surface level injustice too...nothing major and really I know I'm not being punished and God is not being cruel.

So as a sort of fight anthem I sing an Avril song, but turn it into God singing it over me...yeah, maybe a bit corny, but I think He would sing it over me and it's true for Him and I!!!

You're not alone, together we'll stand

I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold, and it feels like the end

There's no place to go, you know I won't give in

Keep holding on

Cause you know we'll make it through

Just stay strong

Cause you know I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say

Nothing you can do

There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So keep holding on

Cause you know we'll make it though

Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly

Just thinking

Recently a close friend of mine asked me if I thought I would get married. She wasn't being mean or negative, just wanted to know what I thought. At this point, I am content in my life...more content than I have been since college really. In Korea I have this crazy sense of God. I can't say I'm that much more faithful to Him here, I still struggle to arrange my life to make Him the top, but He sure sustains me. I haven't been longing for a guy here. I haven't dwelled on the past much either. But at my core, I know I want to be married. I long for companionship and a family. I don't want to be alone forever. I want to experience lasting love. Sure I probably could have found someone to marry by now but no one has been the right fit for me. At times I doubt that God really created someone for me, but again, at my core I have peace He did.

I know I'm an odd ball. I know I like things my way, and boy oh boy the longer I'm single the more I settle into those ways. I know I'm not a knock out. But I'm loyal and deep and passionate. Honestly the age 28 is haunting me, taunting me even. It seems old and it scares me. I always thought I'd have at least one kid by the time I was 30, but now I don't know that that will be the case. God's plans have never been my own. My life has been nothing of what I mapped it to be. I mean, I'm in South Korea teaching English to middle schoolers....never saw that one. But I do pray that God has plans to give me a family, to grant me my dreams.