Renewed beating of the heart

I am not quite sure why I required such drastic measures to be reminded that the Lord of all Creation loves me to my very core, beyond all screw ups, despite all circumstances. But, moving me across the world far from anything familiar, away from all my securities changed everything.

All the sudden I am a minority...every where I go I am stared at and sometimes nearly snarled at. I am an illiterate, which is a very frightening thing. The closest English speaker is 45 minutes away. It's just me and Him. No one else. Nothing else. He had to remove me from everything to help me wipe my slate clean.

After a long few years of running and then not really believing there was forgiveness for me, He brought me to a place where I could allow Him to break down those walls in my heart. I don't think I could fully see that that was the problem. I knew in my head he forgave me...that my sin was far as the East is from the West and that He never once stopped loving me...but my heart never believed it. How could I break every sin short of murder, after knowing full well the consequences that could ensue? I was embarrassed, ashamed. Satan robbed me of self-worth, convinced me that no one would love me after my mistakes, that I may as well be tossed aside.

But here, where it's just me and God, He breathed life into me again. He dug deep and cleaned me out...let me be a new creation. He showed me how to let go, to stop believing the lies. He showed truth and helped me give up worrying. He gave me this...

"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." -Ephesians 1:4

He doesn't see fault, he sees holiness. He feels love and he has since before the world was created...for me. I really believe it now. I've stopped beating myself up over the ways I let him down and instead let him form me into what he wants for me. I am glad for this precious time, though it is still tough, I know it is Father/daughter time and I do not want to take it for granted.