A Season of Mara

Today at church we started the journey of Ruth's life, and in her life a major person was the mother-in-law, Naomi.  I recalled right before church how I once worked at a Christian sports camp and the director called me Mara, which means bitter.  (I was bitter at the time because the job I was told I'd be working was completely different than the one I actually had and I wound up being a camp grunt basically.)  Anyways, during the sermon, my mind wondered onto a thought of Mara.  I'm pretty sure I'm in a season of Mara.  She was bitter and for good cause...her husband and her sons had been taken away.  My pastor, that I love dearly, touched on dear Mara for a bit and made the point that God is faithful despite our lack of faith, and that He really does want the best for us.  Then pastor went on to ask if we are full or empty.

Well, I'm not so full, that is for sure.  While I certainly love being near kids that I love 100%, I hardly ever get to see them now.  My job situation is just ridiculous and I honestly don't know that I'll have a job or a home in 2 weeks time...(yes, the job I just started 6 weeks ago.)  But most of all, the thing I want to do and be most is just not a possibility for me.  Most of the time I'm fine being single.  But my heart and soul aches to be a mom.  I got caught up yesterday reading an article about how having children past the age of 35 makes you an ASM (advanced stage mother) and increases your risk for miscarriage, and vast array of complications or disabilities.  God was quick to remind me of Sarah and how old she was when she got pregnant...she laughed at this proclamation that she would be with child even.  He is able to do anything.  But, it hurts after still.  It hurts being single year after year.  It sucks knowing my body isn't what it used to be in stature or stamina.  It is scary and tiring to tackle every new adventure and challenge and daily mundane task alone.  It utterly freaks me out when I hear percentages.  It's exhausting having to always figure it out by myself and provide for myself and do everything all on my own.  It crushes me just a bit every time I have to sit through hearing about one more marriage conference offered or one more sermon on the family.  I want to vomit every time someone says, "It will happen when you least expect it," or "God's just waiting for the perfect time for you."  Yeah, yeah.  Trust me, I don't expect it anymore and I certainly am well aware God's timing is perfect...I've seen it over and over again.  But man, God, can we speed it up...my eggs are getting older by the second!  I am 31 and I am a Mara.  And that Mara-ness, the bitterness, it's effecting my relationship with my Maker.

I don't want to be a Mara.  I don't want to wallow in bitterness.  But I know God is okay with me going through this.  He still wants me as His own.  He doesn't tire of me because I whine and question.  I push Him away, but He still gently reminds me He isn't going anywhere, that He's by my side, and that He doesn't like my hurt either.  So, I'm just going to rest for awhile, sitting next to my Creator, knowing He's here.  And I will keep trying to open up my hands and let go.