Let's be honest, shall we?

I'm frustrated.  I always come here to write when I'm all kinds of emotional.  Sorry about that.  But this is my venting the raw and real place.

I'm embarking upon my 32nd year.  Really, I just never, ever, ever thought I'd still be single by this point.  I've stopped listening to anyone attempting to be understanding unless they are the same age or older and still single.  I listen to the woes of mothers and hear them talking about wishing they could just get a job to escape for awhile and being envious that that could actually be an option, while being a mother is not an option for me.  I really wonder how the heck I will ever find a spouse in Korea that loves Jesus a lot, a lot and feels led to be here also.  I mean, they're just so rare anywhere these days.  Not to mention, it would be nice if I were attracted to him and we had a few things in common, but I'll try not to be too picky.

I feel called to Korea, fulfilled here.  Yeah, it's uber hard a lot of days to deal with cultural differences and not be able to drive home if I miss my family or want to go to a friend's wedding.  It sucks living in a big city where I still don't know the language when I crave quiet and familiar.  I'm currently fighting my inner urge to freak out about quitting a contract job, adding a little black mark to my teaching reputation, being out of work and lodging, and attempting to find an actual good job that treats their teachers like human beings when the government is trying their darndest to get rid of the foreign presence here.  And then there are these regrets of quitting my last school with fairly good benefits...not seeing my babies that have my heart graduate, (a mistake I've now made at 2 schools!)  But there is still a certain underlying peace being in the place I feel God has led me.

I am so weak.  If I am real, it has been a good 2 months since I've really dug in and found a nitch in the presence of the Lord.  My job has stressed me out to no end.  I've just wanted to not think so I sleep as much as I can.  And then I hit a wall today.  I'm being a fraud.  On the outside I'm pretending all is mostly well and that I'm placing myself in God's care, but on the inside is this turmoil from all the outer world, but also from not seeking the one person who could help me, the Incarnate God.  He created me.  He knows my thoughts.  He knows all this mess that is waging war inside.  He's been here and is here...He just wants me to leap back in to His arms. 

I was standing at the sink washing literally every plate and utensil I own when this song came on...

You're my beloved, you're my bride.  To sing over you is my delight.  Come away with me, my love.
Under my mercy come and wait.  Till we are standing face to face.  I see no stain on you, my child.

You're beautiful to me.  So beautiful to me.

I sing over you my song of peace.  Cast all your cares down at my feet.  Come and find your rest in me.  I'll breathe my life inside of you.  I'll bear you up on eagles' wings and hide you in the shadow of my strength.  I'll take you to my quiet waters.  I'll restore your soul.  Come rest in me and be made whole.

And, well, I was restored back into the knowledge that all would be okay.  That my needs would be met and even that my Loving Father wanted to give me more blessings, good blessings, that I can't foresee.