A Joyful New Year!

At the mark of a new year, my heart is filled to the brim with life. I have been feeling I've embarked upon a year of blessing and renewal. I have been given a new job that will allow me ample time to visit family and friends, (or have them come visit me!) Father God has opened so many ways to get plugged in and form community where I am. I have real family here that continually pours into me and shows me who I want to be.
Already, some of my weak areas have been exposed so that I have a clue where to walk. I'm seeing that in order to grow, I must be teachable. Being teachable means being humble enough to admit that I don't know it all and that other people, or God Himself, may actually know more than me. In my mind, I know this to be true, but I don't often let it penetrate within so that I can glean from the wisdom around me. I'm also being opened up to what true relationship and communion is, how it was designed by the Master Creator. Part of that ties into being teachable. Relationship is about being outward focused, and from others you gain as well. I'm beginning to crave that relationship with my Father again, (because honestly it's been missing for quite a while,) and my time with Him has been really...well, I can't even pinpoint an adjective to use right now, but let's just says GOOD!
The sweetest of all blessings has come in the form of a precious soul I love finding Truth. One of my closest K-babies, pictured with me above, is on the verge of busting into the mystery of Christ and I couldn't be more happy or anxious to welcome this sweet peanut into the family! Coming back to Korea was something so hard set into my heart that I couldn't deny or run away from the call. If the Father called me back just for this one lamb, I'm so glad He did! Of course I hope all the other little lambs I love so much will shortly follow. If you are reading this, please stop now and ask that the Lord would bring Yoon Seo to know the Him soon, that her father would come to know Him also (and not be angry Yoon Seo is seeking before the set age he told her she could be when she found her own faith), and a big praise for the work He's already done in her sister's life!
My joy abounds! My heart is so full that it's just taking me by surprise!! When we catch glimpses into the gloriousness of eternity, it sparks a fire in our hearts to get other people in on the riches. That's where I am now. I can't wait to see how Father keeps adding to the Kingdom. I want more brothers and sisters...I want all these precious little lives that I care so deeply for to dance for and exalt the King of Kings alongside me in heaven! God is definitely good all the time. He seeks us out, shows us His heart and we so easily get overwhelmed by scratching the surface of how wide and deep and great He really is!

Surface Injustice

Yesterday was Valentine's Day though it really wasn't a big deal here in Korea because one of their biggest holidays (Lunar New Year) happens to be the same day. I pretty much forgot about the love day, but the night before I had a massive moment of wishing I had someone.

I could not find someone to do anything with Saturday and it was a bit depressing. I was really bummed that I don't have many friends that include me in things here. I always have to go find plans but if everyone is busy I'm out of luck. *Side note: I have two solid sisters here that are very precious to my heart that include me, but this night they had plans. This is a first in my life. I've always had many friends to do things with and usually a person that I am attached at the hip with. I know this is a time in my life where I need more solitude and I'm pretty sure this is my Father God desperately trying to get my attention...but in that moment I wanted a person. I kept thinking if I had a spouse I'd always have someone to eat dinner with or just sit around and watch a movie. I cried and was okay again.

Sunday morning on the subway en route to try a new church a Korean guy asks if he could sit by me and talk to me. Sure! We talk until my stop and he asks if he can take me out on a date. Huh, that was quick! He asks me to not get a boyfriend until we can go out. I'm sure that won't be a problem since I've never been a male magnet.

Late last night I got a message from him and the next morning a call. We chat and it becomes blindingly obvious he does not share the same religious convictions that I do.

I'm 27, going on 28. I'm not messing around anymore. My self control is not up to par when the other party doesn't believe there's a need for the self control. I wallow in regret. Suffer as my heart is broken again over someone I talked myself into being a fit person to date. I know if they are for me...if they are for me there is passion oozing for the Lord Jesus Christ. I don't have to try to stand alone in my beliefs and I can be more in love with the Father because of the the other person. But for some reason I keep feeling like their are traps all over the place for me.

Really cute, nice, kind guys are bubbling up but they don't love Jesus like I do. It's hard to say no and seems so radically unfair that they can have so much of what I want but not the most important thing. I desire so much to have an earthly companion, but I can't let myself bend on this...I know what happens when I do and it's tragically painful in the end. There are scoffers that will say I'm being too picky, but to me this is the only part that is nonnegotiable.

I stomp around and cry and whine to God about how unfair this is. Why send me men that won't do? I am often fine being single until someone comes along like this. Then I become this pouting child screaming, "You're so unfair!!!" to the heavens. I know there is reason, perseverance being built maybe? I know it's surface level injustice too...nothing major and really I know I'm not being punished and God is not being cruel.

So as a sort of fight anthem I sing an Avril song, but turn it into God singing it over me...yeah, maybe a bit corny, but I think He would sing it over me and it's true for Him and I!!!

You're not alone, together we'll stand

I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold, and it feels like the end

There's no place to go, you know I won't give in

Keep holding on

Cause you know we'll make it through

Just stay strong

Cause you know I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say

Nothing you can do

There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So keep holding on

Cause you know we'll make it though

Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly

Just thinking

Recently a close friend of mine asked me if I thought I would get married. She wasn't being mean or negative, just wanted to know what I thought. At this point, I am content in my life...more content than I have been since college really. In Korea I have this crazy sense of God. I can't say I'm that much more faithful to Him here, I still struggle to arrange my life to make Him the top, but He sure sustains me. I haven't been longing for a guy here. I haven't dwelled on the past much either. But at my core, I know I want to be married. I long for companionship and a family. I don't want to be alone forever. I want to experience lasting love. Sure I probably could have found someone to marry by now but no one has been the right fit for me. At times I doubt that God really created someone for me, but again, at my core I have peace He did.

I know I'm an odd ball. I know I like things my way, and boy oh boy the longer I'm single the more I settle into those ways. I know I'm not a knock out. But I'm loyal and deep and passionate. Honestly the age 28 is haunting me, taunting me even. It seems old and it scares me. I always thought I'd have at least one kid by the time I was 30, but now I don't know that that will be the case. God's plans have never been my own. My life has been nothing of what I mapped it to be. I mean, I'm in South Korea teaching English to middle schoolers....never saw that one. But I do pray that God has plans to give me a family, to grant me my dreams.

Huuuh

At this point in the Korean journey I'm not feeling it. It seems like so many of my friends are good to go here...but I'm not. I don't love Korea or it's culture. I do love my students and that's about all I can say. The sad thing is, I don't even really want to teach my students, I want to invest in their lives. I want to be able to communicate with them and pray with them. My heart longs to do ministry. I want to reach out and make an impact of the soul.

I don't know if I'm cut out to be a teacher or not. Every job I've had lacks for me...I want to be passionate about my job and I'm passionate about digging into kids' lives. Teaching is so limited in that arena. I don't think I'd mind being here as much if I were getting to do what I love!

On the up side of things, my heart is just bathing in the glory of the Lord. He is really entering my life daily in a very real way. It's precious! And steadily I'm beginning to believe that He really will grant me the desires of my heart. I haven't believed that in a long while...nor have I thought I really deserved them. I want a husband and children...I want a family of my own. It's a deep desire that's not going away. God has refined my desires into new determination to truly find a man who is outwardly and inwardly affectionate for the eternal! No more lowering standards or allowing loneliness to take the lead.

Alright, that's all for now. I like having a blog to share my heart and not having to worry about bringing anyone down. It's refreshing!

Renewed beating of the heart

I am not quite sure why I required such drastic measures to be reminded that the Lord of all Creation loves me to my very core, beyond all screw ups, despite all circumstances. But, moving me across the world far from anything familiar, away from all my securities changed everything.

All the sudden I am a minority...every where I go I am stared at and sometimes nearly snarled at. I am an illiterate, which is a very frightening thing. The closest English speaker is 45 minutes away. It's just me and Him. No one else. Nothing else. He had to remove me from everything to help me wipe my slate clean.

After a long few years of running and then not really believing there was forgiveness for me, He brought me to a place where I could allow Him to break down those walls in my heart. I don't think I could fully see that that was the problem. I knew in my head he forgave me...that my sin was far as the East is from the West and that He never once stopped loving me...but my heart never believed it. How could I break every sin short of murder, after knowing full well the consequences that could ensue? I was embarrassed, ashamed. Satan robbed me of self-worth, convinced me that no one would love me after my mistakes, that I may as well be tossed aside.

But here, where it's just me and God, He breathed life into me again. He dug deep and cleaned me out...let me be a new creation. He showed me how to let go, to stop believing the lies. He showed truth and helped me give up worrying. He gave me this...

"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." -Ephesians 1:4

He doesn't see fault, he sees holiness. He feels love and he has since before the world was created...for me. I really believe it now. I've stopped beating myself up over the ways I let him down and instead let him form me into what he wants for me. I am glad for this precious time, though it is still tough, I know it is Father/daughter time and I do not want to take it for granted.

Hurting for Home

I know I've known loneliness before, but this is different. It's isolation. It's a test.

I know God gives us no more than we can handle. I know His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I know full well I am never alone. Why is it so hard to believe these things?

I wake every morning to a dull ache in my heart. I hurt for home. I yearn for people to love me and hold me and reassure me that everything will be okay.

This is so hard. I try to put a strong front on, but ohh...the weight of all this is so much!

Every day I end up enjoying something during the day, but the despair returns every morning.

This experience is different than almost all my friends international experience. I did not come with friends, or a significant other. I did not come with a support group. I do not have a roommate. I am not a university surrounded by people who know a little English. I don't even know another native English speaker that lives closer than 45 minutes.

I don't mean to have pity parties, but I do...often. I cry almost every time I finish talking to mom and dad. I even doubt that people I have met here even want to hang out with me.

Why is this so hard? Why has the Lord brought me here?

I reach the point every day where I've talked myself into moving back home.

I have always thought of myself as a strong individual...but I don't know how true that is anymore. If I were on vacation here, it wouldn't be a problem. But knowing I am here for a year is daunting. I have had every intention of going home for 2 weeks during my winter break but I am not sure I would have the strength to bring myself back here.

If you read this pray that I can hide myself in the Lord. I seem to be very bad about that. I know He wanted me here, but I didn't realize it would be such a test of faith. I need Him more than ever and yet I run so infrequently into His arms.

I need you, Lord, to be the strength of my heart. I have none. I must fully rely on you.

The truth of the matter

Mostly everything in me wants to pack up and go home at this point.

My head swims every day with a language I don't know and my self-consciousness is in overdrive from the glares and stares of every day life. I am the minority. I don't fit it here. Every where I go I am an object of attention. Some people are crazy nice...I have gotten so many "you are very beautiful" or "you look like a celebrity" comments, but still they don't sink in. I know I'm just something different to them and they have limited English knowledge...haha!

This is a strange place...different sites, smells, culture. They don't say anything when you sneeze. They eat soup, rice, and kimchi with every meal. They don't respond to hand waves but to head bows. The streets stink of foul smells and all the women wear hiiiiigh heels. I miss clean, crisp air and trees and southern hospitality.

When I talk to people who encourage me I am near tears. I miss people. I am an hour from anyone I am friends with here. I miss hugs and deep conversations. I miss my family and my dog and hanging out. I even miss driving and having easy transport of items.

This is where God has called me. He made it so obvious. I know all my friends who have been missionaries have said, "your call is the only thing that keeps you there" and now I believe it whole heartedly. My whole body aches for home. But deep in my spirit I know the God of peace and purpose has prepared a life for me here. I am here because He wants me here. No longer for selfish reasons...I'm here to honor Him. If I can keep that in mind...remember I am ultimately here to shine my light, my spirit will settle in to this place that is so foreign to me. I am home.